Dogmatic

Breakups are often a convoluted and painful thing. I should know. I found myself in the midst of one over the course of this month that left me in a state of disbelief and painful (PAINFUL) confusion. It is such a horrid period of one’s life and what is worse is the state of mind one can find enveloping his entire being. In short, it is vile and hurts like hell. Actually, it hurts like a muthafucker.

A month down the track, I am feeling much better about things as circumstance around my immediate future is heavily leaning to the positive side. It has been a somewhat transitional month and at times I have felt like an entire resurrection of my very being is occurring right before my eyes. I wish I could go into more detail, but at this stage of the game - things are still a little on the premature side so for now - I’ll shut up good and proper.

So, last night, I was unpacking my (boxes of) CDs and DVDs. For whatever reason, I wanted to sort my discs alphabetically and see which ones I have made into digital files and which I have not. Although it is a time consuming process, sitting on the floor amongst thousands of my discs of my music is never a chore. I mean, here is *my* music! Years of collecting aural niceties that reflect various aspects of *my* life all lay before me. It is historical and meaningful at the same time as in many instances, I know exactly what frame of mind I was in when purchasing a particular disc.

When it comes to emotional breakups, music can be your best and worst enemy as well. Although the days of doing it old-school and making personal mix-tapes have been superseded by the iPod Playlist, it still can be a cathartic experience when carefully planning a playlist to help you vent/reflect/cope.

In this time of dire self-pity - I made myself two playlists for my iPod. One I titled ‘FISTFUCK’ and I crammed it with my top 10 of the most intense and brutal tuneage I could collate from my warped collection. When I wanted to feel angry, bitter and twisted - this was my soundtrack! Pity anyone who stands in my way when these babies are turning one’s brain into mush!

The other I titled ‘REST IN PIECES’. Ten tracks that not only tug at my heartstrings - but ten tracks that by the time song number five kicks in… I’m a slobbering, crushed human-being wiping away tears of misplaced self-pity and self-induced pain!

But I digress, slightly.

In the midst of my music sorting I’m speaking on the phone to that one someone who has all of a sudden come into my life and awoken me from the sea of misery I was quickly sinking into over the past few weeks. Someone (damn!) special.

I told her I was in the middle of wading through my music collection and sorting it out. I said didn’t know why I was doing it but it is something I enjoy and am finding therapeutic. I mean, how can one make any possible sense of a CD collection that shifts from Cat Stevens to Cannibal Corpse? Massive Attack to Mercyful Fate! Tricky to Turbonegro! (And for you purists out there, YES I file Cat Stevens under ‘C’.)

She said to me “Well that’s what guys do in times like these.” She mentioned to me it is like a scene from ‘High Fidelity’ - specifically Nick Hornby’s book and that the book is something she wants to give me as a gift. Trust me, a gift from her would instantly become a treasured item to me. Instantly!

So I say to her, “You know, I have the movie and right now - I feel like watching it.” I hadn’t seen it for a while and I don’t remember it as well as I’d like.

When I get off the phone, I see three large boxes in front of me which I have brought home from my ex’s apartment. ‘High Fidelity’ could be anywhere inside one of these boxes, but fuck it, I-want-to-watch-that-movie-and-I-want-to-watch-it-now. I slice open the tape of the first box. I reach in - not even looking. I grab the first DVD that my hand feels. Out it comes. ‘High Fidelity’.

Whoa! No fuckn way. NO WAY! (and trust me - there have been a few of these ‘holy fuck!’ moments over the past month!) How the fuck does one find the very DVD they were looking for - amongst 100’s of DVDs - in an absolute instant? I think the next word out of my mouth was ‘mindfuck’.

After composing myself and getting ready to unwind for the day - I’m watching the movie. A movie which of course deals with music geeks, past relationships and basic raw human emotion - and there is a scene where main character Rob Gordon (John Cusack) is in the middle of his apartment sorting through his records. Just like I was only moments earlier. And I hark back to my phone conversation with her-who-shall-remain-nameless-for-now, and her words rang true to me - “…that’s what guys do in times like these!” Her uncanny knack of making small happenstance into these mind-fuckingly magical surreal instances are beginning to leave me baffled.

Here’s to 2007! Be well folks!