Yeah, that’s a pretty apt description of how I am feeling today and right now… lost. Lost in limbo. Thusfar, it has been an incredibly eventful year akin to riding a roller coaster. The highs have been thrilling and the lows leave me feeling… well, lost.
Earlier in the year I was feeling so incredibly uninspired and I had completely lost the passion for doing what I love. With the closure of my former company that my biz partner and I had fought so valiantly for over the course of three years - I felt as if I had hit rock bottom. But rather than dwell on its loss I found a new sense of invigoration and I felt inspired to create again. I was churning out work again and in the process setting up a new freelance company. I enveloped myself in the creative process and I truly felt born again doing what I love… designing and creating. It was important to not sulk on the loss of my company but to pick myself up from the depths I had fallen and start again. Fresh. New. Inspired.
And things were going well.
A couple of months ago, I was offered a full-time gig in a different field. The financial offer was good and hard for me to knock back. The said gig, kicked off at the beginning of November and ever since then - I’ve never felt more miserable in my entire life. I feel like a sell-out and I feel as if I have turned my back on doing what I truly love and what I am good at. I felt I could do both this new gig by day, and my freelance stuff by night. I was truly kidding myself because my creative muse has all but shut shop and left me hanging dry.
For the first time in my life, I really do not know what I want from myself. I really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Deep down inside, I know full well that the gig I’m currently at - it ain’t for me. No siree. It ain’t for me. I need to be man enough to fully realize that within myself - and close that (brief) chapter. And I need to do it soon because my creative side has been truly forsaken and abandoned. And that - is not fair on me and it is not fair on the people who rely on me to create for them.
So right now, I am lost. Lost in this fuckn limbo state of mind that is surely gonna drive me crazy.
And dear Dogmatic readers, the few of you who visit here regularly - this post is about as personal as I am ever gonna get. I apologize in advance for this rant and I promise, we’ll be back to our regular dose of Dogmatic mayhem… tomorrow.
G’night fellow droogs!
Nicely written JR. Hope you find what it is that will get you out of your state of limbo.
I think you’re ready to do the right thing, dude. I know you say you feel lost, but your post infers that you totally know you don’t want to be where you’re at right now. Don’t beat yourself up for taking the risk to try it out. But if you don’t “man up” and make the change to get out of it, then you you have the right to be unhappy with yourself.
It seems like you are not a stranger to life’s challenges, you’ll make it through this one too.
i really like the shot - before i really tried to figure out what it was, i thought it your view from the inside of a ship looking out at some crazy view on the water….
secondly, i dreamt last night about this very thing - kidding myself into believing in a situation that the second i committed to made me feel miserable. i’m still trying to shake the feeling…
fuck em all and fucking no regrets i say!
Dear JR:
Heres some words that might just shed some light on your recent negative force firld. Hopefully anyway.
PART ONE:
I first started doing my photography back in 1999 and it was then that I had decided to become a full time artist. Treading on this path is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life…(well, that and getting clean and sober!) Proving to people that I was legitimately talented was a very difficult task at hand and would prove some undertaking. One of the reasons factoring into this equation is because of the way I look. If you do your research and find out what I look like you will understand why this is the case. Also there arent that many female photographers out there, so this was another challenging component ready to drop bolts inside my full-throttle engine. Back then no one knew my name, I couldnt get models, hell, I couldnt even pay my phone bill. I stole crackers from restaurants and lived on those for some time. I never had any backdrops to shoot photos in front of, as drops are very expensive and over $300 a pop for a good one. So one day I crinkled up shiny black plastic garbage bags and taped them all together and used THAT as a backdrop. It worked, and it really is an incredible looking photograph. I keep that photo on my wall to this day as a reminder of how hard things were. But, with PERSEVERENCE…. and PASSION, you can succeed. And thats basically what I did. I never let anyone tell me no. If one door closed Id knock on the very next one! Well lets just say Im not shootin against garbage bags anymore!
PART TWO:
When I first started my photography career I had 3 main goals. One, of them was to have a sucessful art gallery exhibition. To start the ball rolling, I put my art portfolio together and went on my rounds to show it to curators around town. The first spot I went to was a upper echelon gallery in Beverly Hills which at that time was sporting a Helmut Newton show entitled “BIG NUDES” in which the photos of nude women were blown up larger than life size. The show itself was uber-impressive. Helmut Newton, a huge “Photo God” of mine, filled the gallery with his magic and of course I was immediately intimidated by all of this sucess. (Photos of femalians, 12 feet high, with mega-perfect bodies didnt help alot either! So I showed the curator my book and he said “You are remarkably talented but because you dont have name recognition we cant do anything with you at all”. Now had I slunk away defeated that would have been the last chapter and the Justice-Howard-photo-story would have ended right there. Didnt happen. I persevered and went to yet another gallery down on Santa Monica Blvd. It was larger and a much more beautiful space than the Beverly Hills gallery and it did not possess that smarmy “head-up-the-ass-attitude” that the first Bev Hills one did. The curator there was Frederick Sauls, an artist whose paintings hang in the Smithsonian to this day. Frederick said the exact OPPOSITE of our smarmy friend. Heres what Frederick Sauls told me that day: “We dont care about name recognition. All we care about is that youre a great photographer…..and you most certainly are that!” And with those words he gave me my own show. The show ran for a month, got pick of the week in the Los Angeles Weekly which brought even more people to the show, which sold art for the gallery, which brought in more collectors who purchased some big pieces. Now, art lovers, critics and kulture kiddeez, the moral of this fable is…. as you now know…to persevere.
#1…..LEARN YOUR CRAFT
#2….KEEP YOUR PASSION
#3…..DO NOT GIVE UP.
Gracious appreciation to anyone who has an interest in my art
and know that my road has not been an easy one. Your road wont be easy either JR but it is going uphill, I promise you that. All the best & Forever, in art……..>>>JUSTICE
I appreciate everyone’s feedback, comments and emails I have received. I really didn’t mean to turn this into a ‘woe is me’ type of affair. I am slowly getting out of this rut - and I have had some positive news since I wrote what I wrote. I can’t elaborate right now as it is a little premature.
Much respect goes out to you Justice. You know I am a huge fan of your incredible work and it is an honor to be involved with you on the forthcoming website. Your work is an inspiration to me.
Albert: I’m also a fan of your wonderful projects. Decibel would have to be one of my fave magazines out there right now so thanks for taking the time to read my warblings and your insight.
Thanks again one and all. I am on the way back.
J, writer’s block is a common problem. From what I have seen here and on your awesome FLICKR page, I believe your creativity will continue to shine through in all you do. I adore your photos as it gives me an honest insight into a city that is a million miles away from me and makes me want to visit your wonderful country.